Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
