I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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