I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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