overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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