so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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