i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
