I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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