Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
did i just pee glitter
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
