new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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