That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
