I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
