I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
