if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
