I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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