My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
