i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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