new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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