Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
