I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
