meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
