Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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