I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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