It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
