in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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