no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
