how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
