Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize