I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
