thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
