she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
