Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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