Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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