I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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