Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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