does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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