We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
