dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize