So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
