I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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