the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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