He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
