if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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