The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize