I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize