Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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