shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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