i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
