My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
