Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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