Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
