I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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