don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
