i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
then he tried to convert me to islam
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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