Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
