I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
