U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
