His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
