i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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