Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
please come you make the beer taste better
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm both gender and math confused
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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